Lost Is The New Found

Spent my morning preparing a new writing space because I am looking to discover my soul. Arranged and rearranged the books on the desk, the position of the lamp, the angle of my laptop, the light that would hit the pink hue of the rose next to the baby’s breath. I numbered the Bibles that would offer Inspiration both from new and old seasons of life. I set out the calendar, I silenced my phone, and I straightened the pictures.This morning I was looking to be found.As I looked at my wall covered in maps a profound thought seared my heart.You can have every map in the world, every navigation system strategically in place, best laid plans for your five year goals set before you every morning, a million and one reasons to live for and a thousand dreams to chase after and yet feel lost as a goose.2014 hasn’t had the smoothest start for me. I would love to write from a place of strength this year, but it has begun as a year headed towards an unknown direction.Writing from a place of discovery looks to be a bit more realistic and frankly, a whole heck of lot more liberating.This year started with the kind of deep discouragement to choke the hope right out of you, rejection that has become more like a free fall, resurfaced arguments that you thought were put to bed years ago coupled with relentless whispers that “You’ll never be enough…..”. There are unwanted changes because the earth is hard and pushes its agenda further than you’d like it to go. Then there are the demands my soul is making for changes and yet no changes crack the earth to spill forth new life and I’m left wondering what in the heck hoping for a broader scope of influence is good for anyway. Or hope for the realization of a dream deferred so long you wonder if believing in the God of miracles to work with active force through your life is meant for everyone else, not meant for a simple small town girl like you. Even the possibility of new, exciting adventures on the horizon are still leaving this wandering heart with hands lifted open and bare; heart chasing from the root of bitterness and feeling the tug of war as her fitful voice expresses in a soul vomit…“I just feel lost.”It was New Year’s Eve Day when I stood in front of that wall of maps and restlessly splattered my fear to Toby, “I just feel lost…” The tears were uncontrollable. Every plate I’d been spinning came shattering to the floor. The illusion of the super mom plate, the minister that can give 100% and never gets burnt out plate, the hopeful dreamer-believer plate, the supportive coach’s wife plate, the “I have to make us look like we never have pain, or hurt, or fear, or disappointment because we fully trust in God’s illusive plan every single day of our lives” plate just to mention a few. You get the idea. I felt like the kid at the birthday party with the blindfold, head on the top of the baseball bat, spinning like a top and then set upright and asked to pin the tail on the donkey as the whole stinking world twirls around you.I was a million dust particles floating through the air with no place to land. And all my family wanted to know was if I had a fun New Year’s Eve Day plan and black eyed peas to eat. That was the straw. I snapped. I threw a massive tantrum. I yelled. I threw my hands up. I paced back and forth and word vomited every repressed emotion I had been stuffing all because “I’m supposed to be too dignified to come unglued”. Especially over black eyed peas. But I wasn’t. I’m not. I wasn’t tactful, or Proverbs 31-ish, or mindful of how my opinions over our present reality would sting….I was lost and hated the out of control nature of it all. I spent the day unravelling what I had felt was tumbling out of control for months, but I was too dang scared to admit how lost I really felt. I was too afraid of loosening the death grip I had on what I didn’t understand in the first place. I didn’t understand the direction of our life.Today, though, I’ve circled around a statement that has tossed in my head since that day:What if the acceptance of being lost of soul proves to be the quickest way to being found in the deepness of experience?I’m a child of God and therefore my eternal soul can never be lost because of the Blood of Jesus, but there are times in life that you can have taken so many turnarounds that your only hope to finding North is to climb to higher ground. Being lost in the depths could prove a faithful companion to being found climbing the Heights.I love the expression of revelation that Rebekah Lyons gives to this emotion, this idea of being lost in your wandering in her book “Freefall to Fly”…“I was reminded by a dear friend, ‘If you are in hell, keep walking.’ Because somewhere along the way, if you stay in the place where your heart breaks and you put one foot in front of the other, the darkness will eventually lift. The crack of light will burst forth on the horizon, far, far away. It will be the slightest breath of hope….You won’t know what that light will yield, but the mere fact that it is light will be enough. It will keep you going.”This year is about experiencing life from an honest place; an open place. It is about coming from a place that seems to unfold like a map to a destination that I have never been before. I want to keep my eyes open and my heart bare. I want to accept the “not all together” of it all, the burn of my hot tears, the crazy cycle I feel over being rejected in my attempts to try, and the need I have to risk welcoming the slight discomfort of discouragement in order to find a true North.I have the outlandish and unexpected craving to embrace being lost so that my soul can be found.I have never so profoundly wrestled over the emotional and spiritual surrender of what it means to, as the Word says, “lose our lives in order to find them” like I have in recent days.“Then he told them what they could expect for themselves: “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.” {Luke 9:24-25}So here He is with this invitation as I fitfully kick and scream shocked over the fact that, “I just feel lost!”….His response is so subtle, so soft. “I know. Just keep walking. Keep expressing. Keep discovering. Keep surrendering.”2014 is about loosening my life so I can be found in Jesus. It is about the discovery of what truly makes my heart beat and my feet keep walking. It is about seeing that glimmer of light hit that single pink rose resting on my desk in front of the wide landscape of maps that cover my wall……and being brave enough to follow it.….to become brave enough to be found in the unknown nature of chasing down the Light…..“Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left.” Isaiah 30:21

GeneralCari TrotterComment